Showing posts with label Humor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Humor. Show all posts

Saturday, September 08, 2007

Hillary Nutcracker

Get yours here,
where you can also purchase nuts in the shell,
"best used with the Hillary Nutcracker and a little imagination"!

Brought to you by FunWithNuts, a division Eagleview USA, Inc.

Thursday, September 15, 2005

20 Best Excuses for Calling in Sick

According to MSN Careerbuilder and Kate Lorenz, Editor (outdated link removed) comes this stunning report:

You've heard of the dog who ate homework, but what about the cat who unplugged the alarm clock? These days, people are getting very creative when they don't want to go to work.

In CareerBuilder's survey "Out of the Office," more than one-third of U.S. workers say they played hooky from work over the last twelve months. Thirty-five percent of workers admit to calling in sick when they felt well at least once during the last year and one-in-ten said they did so three or more times.

Why are they calling in sick? The top three motivators for faking include attending to personal errands and appointments, catching up on sleep and simply relaxing. The reasons also include attending a child's event, bad weather, making plans with friends and going on a job interview.

"It's a popular time of year for employees to call in sick," said Rosemary Haefner, Senior Career Advisor for CareerBuilder.com. "However, the number of those who are actually feeling under the weather may not necessarily match up with unscheduled absences. Twenty percent of workers say they called into work because they just didn't feel like going into the office that day. One-in-four workers report they feel sick days are equivalent to extra vacation days and treat them as such."

The 2004 CCH Unscheduled Absence Survey, conducted for CCH by Harris Interactive® confirmed this trend. CCH found most employees who fail to show up for work, however, aren't physically ill, according to the survey. In fact, the study found only 38 percent of unscheduled absences are due to personal illness, while 62 percent are for other reasons, including family issues (23 percent), personal needs (18 percent), stress (11 percent) and entitlement mentality (10 percent).

One trend that also may be influencing the higher rate of unscheduled absences is the fact that the number of employers allowing employees to carry over sick time from one year to the next is trending downward and has dropped from more than one-half of companies (51 percent) in 2000 to 37 percent in 2004. As a result, employees may be saying, "I'd rather use it than lose it," noted Lori Rosen, J.D., CCH workplace analyst, and author of HR Networking: Work-Life Benefits.

But could you get away with saying you had to go to your mother's dog's funeral or that you had brain cancer? Would you believe an employee who had the swine flu, forgot the way to work, or was arrested because of mistaken identity? Think carefully, if you're debating calling in sick, here are some of the most unusual excuses workers gave for missing work:

I was sprayed by a skunk.

I tripped over my dog and was knocked unconscious.

My bus broke down and was held up by robbers.

I was arrested as a result of mistaken identity.

I forgot to come back to work after lunch.

I couldn't find my shoes.

I hurt myself bowling.

I was spit on by a venomous snake.

I totaled my wife's jeep in a collision with a cow.

A hitman was looking for me.

My curlers burned my hair and I had to go to the hairdresser.

I eloped.

My brain went to sleep and I couldn't wake it up.

My cat unplugged my alarm clock.

I had to be there for my husband's grand jury trial.

I had to ship my grandmother's bones to India.

I forgot what day of the week it was.

Someone slipped drugs in my drink last night.

A tree fell on my car.

My monkey died.

Monday, August 08, 2005

Man has family jewels locked up for two weeks...

Once upon a time, many years ago... I didn't understand men at all. Nine million dollars in therapy later, and I think I understand them (AND women) pretty well.

But just when you think you know the stupidest among them, you read about
this guy, who had his testicles in a padlock for two (I beg your pardon... freakin') weeks!

The "family jewels" of one Brentwood man recently were locked up for two weeks - literally.
On Saturday, July 30, at about 3:40 a.m., Brentwood police assisted ambulance and rescue personnel with a 39-year-old man with a padlock on his testicles.

According to police, the man, who police are not identifying, was intoxicated when they arrived on scene.

The man reported that the padlock had been on his testicles for two weeks. Cpl. H.D. Wood IV said the man reported that a friend put the lock on his testicles. He was allegedly severely intoxicated and passed out. He told police that when he woke up the padlock was placed around top his scrotum and his friend was gone.

"Never in my 13 years have I seen anything like this," Wood said.

The man reported to police that he allegedly attempted to remove the padlock with a hacksaw after the key broke off inside the lock.

He was taken to Exeter Hospital, where a locksmith was called to remove the lock.

The hospital reported that the man was treated and released without sustaining lasting injury.

The Brentwood Fire Department would not comment on the incident, citing patient confidentiality.

The motive for the incident is still undetermined, police said.

"At this point we are not sure if it was a prank, or if it was an intentional act, or something
done during a sexual act," Wood said.

The incident is under investigation.